Working With Myself: Preparing for a Healthier Year
Awareness Sets the Tone For Growth
Food has been a lifelong fixation of mine, which has always held me back from the way I want to be.
Though I’m strong and fit, I’m also fat and frustrated.
I’m tired of feeling ashamed that my issues are on display to the world.
I am ready to move beyond this.
***
For 2026, I am committed to getting into the best shape of my life.
I turn 40 in September, and I do not want to start the next decade of my life feeling the way I currently do- especially not when I made a commitment with my husband that we would have fit, fucking forties… and he is already there, killing it.
I need a plan that will keep me on track, but not be so restrictive that it makes me feel controlled- because when I feel controlled… I rebel.
I need something that is less ‘meal plan’ and more ‘guidelines.’
Something that works with the person that I currently am.
***
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been very conscious of my eating.
My choices aren’t perfect, and that’s okay- because my goal right now is to learn how I actually like to eat, so I can make small but meaningful tweaks to my already existing behavior.
By doing this, I will move myself closer to my goals without shocking myself into distress, because I can’t force myself to suddenly be a new person.
In other words, I am finally learning to work with myself.
***
My current, natural eating pattern is as follows:
I don’t want to ingest anything until 9-10am.
A few sips of water or tea through the early morning is all I want or need.
I am rarely hungry for food in the morning, unless there are triggering foods around, like pastries.
If not, most days I don’t actually get hungry for food earlier than 1pm.
If I’m having a low-appetite day, I might even make it all the way to 5pm or so before I feel like I actually want to eat for the first time in a day, but this is pretty rare.
You might be thinking to yourself- wow Lace, how are you fat? It sounds like you barely eat!
Well, that’s because what lies beyond dinner time is typically the slippery slope for me.
Nighttime snacking- really, routine binge eating- has been a part of my life since early childhood. Introduced by my now-deceased great-grandmother, this is a habit that has been baked into my lifestyle for as long as I can remember being alive.
Once the sun goes down and my kids are in bed- I am probably going to be in front of the TV.
I am likely going to eat, and the choices are probably not going to be great.
***
This is a predictable behavior in my life, and one that has been very hard to interrupt.
This frustrates me terribly because this is where even my best days of eating go awry in their final hours.
I want to make a change, but I have to be careful because when I feel controlled or deprived, it just makes the binging that much more frantic.
I need to be gentle with myself, as frustrating as this is.
If I try to knee-jerk change my habits, I will likely trigger a mental health fallout, and I have way too much riding on me for this year ahead- I can’t keep spiraling.
I have to be calm, steady and stable.
I need to accept who I am, and how I am right here and now.
I have to work with this aspect of myself, even though it brings me shame and I wish I could just leave it behind.
***
At the same time, I see how this has damaged my body for my whole life, and I won’t just accept that I am powerless to this compulsion.
I need to build some protections into my life.
I need to control both access and excess.
Going into 2026, what enters my pantry is going to be strictly controlled.
That’s layer of protection number one.
The rest is a battle of quantities.
For me, calorie counting is a triggering thing.
I have an eating disorder that is very influenced by my feelings of scarcity and control.
I do not want to make my effort to lose weight into a restrictive practice and set the tone for this to be something to rebel against.
Instead, I am going to focus on making sure that I am getting enough protein and fiber every day.
For me, that is a minimum of 100 grams of protein and 25 grams of fiber.
This gives me a positive goal.
I will be focused on what I want to take in, not what I cannot exceed.
This gives me a mission to achieve, rather than a box to fit within.
This is me working with myself, the way I am.
***
Functionally, I am preparing for this by stocking my home in order to have “no excuses.”
I am keeping this extremely loose and basic.
An array of proteins, some ready to cook, some already cooked- and the supporting ingredients I would need to make them into meals.
I like choosing what to eat daily, based on what I am in the mood for at that time.
I will buy whatever produce is in season and looks good, and prepare healthy foods that I enjoy.
I do not like to do advanced meal prep, so this is what works for me.
Nothing rigid, nothing set in stone.
I just need to measure my protein and fiber- and otherwise, just eat real, natural foods as much as possible.
The big difference will be limiting the trigger foods that come in to my home- that means saying no to sweets and junk food, unless it’s a special occasion.
My intention is to focus on other things, and let weight loss happen naturally in the background, because I am living a lifestyle that supports the process.
Between college, a fitness routine, creating my online presence and just regular life as a mom and wife- that is plenty to keep me busy.
Let the food be boring for a year.
***
And that sounds so good and idealistic, right?
But, what about night time?
This is when I make the worst choices, and take in excess- I can undo a great day of eating in minutes.
This is a complicated mental health issue, which is also wrapped up in codependency with my husband and generational trauma from my childhood.
As a behavior, it’s been extremely impactful in my life and is obviously extremely difficult to release, though I very much want to.
I am extremely aware of my behavior and triggers.
I am working to build other behaviors to replace it, starting with adding a 20 minute walk to my evening routine- this is in addition to the 20 minute walk I already do first thing in the morning.
I walk not long after dinner and then do self-care, like taking a shower or doing a hair treatment.
Then, time is spent getting the kids off to bed and then suddenly- I find myself in the danger zone.
I know there are other things I could do.
I could brush my teeth right after dinner, as a deterrent to further eating, but, in truth?
I enjoy watching shows at night and eating while I do it and I’m not ready to stop.
I need to do it in a healthier way, without it becoming excessive.
Controlling what is in the house is step one.
Building evening calmness and space for new choices is step two.
This year, you will watch me begin to let some of my lifelong habits crumble and fall away.
New, better ones will begin to take root.
Small, simple shifts will take me from where I am to where I want to be.
With self-kindness, calmness and the clarity that those can bring.
This year we are doing things differently.
Until next time.
-Bold Fox